Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
