I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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