I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Randomize
