tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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