he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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