Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
