I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
