I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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