He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
