i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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