haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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