I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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