Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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