took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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