Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I didn't notice because vodka
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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