epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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