Ambien. No doubt about it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
