Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
