Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
