it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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