my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
