you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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