also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
