I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
