Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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