thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
