I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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