If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
