I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
