Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
