I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
