when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
