good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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