I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
