I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
