Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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