I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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