Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
