whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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