my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She has the best kind of daddy issues
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
