is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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