We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
