yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
As shirtless as possible
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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