I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
