an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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