By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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