If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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