As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
