worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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