the day after is always just damage control
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
