I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
