I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
