We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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