I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
