I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
