woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
