my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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