you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
